Chronic Illness and Marriage Breakdown

Submitted by tonyplant on October 14, 2006 - 15:05.

I've just come across a discussion of the bleak finding that 75% of marriages break down where chronic illness is present.

Seventy-five percent of marriages where chronic illness is present do not last. That is an overwhelming number to me, and it might be misleading. People divorce for all sorts of reasons, and it doesn't necessarily mean there is a cause and effect relationship between chronic illness and divorce. It could be one of many mitigating factors, but looking at the statistic, it's not possible to weed that out. But certainly between lost income due to sickness, high medical bills, loss of identity, pain, frustration, etc, there are a lot of ways to look at how chronic illness could be implicated in these findings.

I wouldn't be too surprised if chronic illnesses contributes to financial and other social problems that, combined with problems that resemble depression, do make some people feel that their only option is separation. However, with all due respect to the wonderfully nochanlant Sinatra in the picture, I believe that it is rare to "Divorce Your Loved One With Dignity" even if it is etched in stone.

Time after time, the research indicates that marriage is good for people's health and resilience, yet it can be overwhelmed by so many outside forces. I have permission to share some details of a couple I came across when I was running a workshop. The man is separated from his wife (he hopes temporarily) because of their financial problems, brought about in part by the wife's condition. The wife does not yet have any support in place, so he pops in most days to make sure that she is OK and to do things for her because she has no family or friends who are close enough to carry out these chores etc. for her and she has significant mobility and upper-limb problems. The wife is still waiting to be paid any benefit (she was sent the wrong forms and this is taking a long time to rectify). Because the husband once answered the phone to a DWP enquirer when he was over at the house, the couple have been hauled in to be investigated for fraud because this action was deemed to be suspicious - the investigators don't care that there is a note on the wife's case that says to contact her in writing rather than by telephone because she has hearing-loss and doesn't answer the phone. Anyway, it seems that because the husband visits his estranged wife regularly and does chores for her that she can not do, then her claim is seen as invalid. Despite the fact that they are separated and don't live together. The husband broke down when he was telling me this and apparently broke down during the interview. He had even been asked questions about when they had last had sex. Carers really can have a raw deal on so many fronts. I more and more understand why Carers UK questions whether carers have any human rights.

read more | 1 comment | relationships | marriage | chronicillness | carers

Loss and Grieving: Study Shows That Spouses Are Resilient

Submitted by tonyplant on April 28, 2006 - 07:34.

AADT offers a brief overview of the book, Spousal Bereavement in Later Life. The book reports the findings of a study:

The Michigan team followed 1,500 couples over the age of 65, looked at the quality of their marriages and the effects on one after the other died.

Almost half said they had enjoyed their marriages but had been able to cope with the loss without much grieving.

Experts previously thought those with minimal grief lacked close attachment to their spouse or were in denial.

...Forty-six per cent of the widows and widowers in this study reported they had satisfying marriages...

Taken together, these findings provide strong evidence that men and women who show this resilient pattern of grief are not emotionally distant or in denial, but are in fact well-adjusted individuals responding to the loss in a healthy way.

I am disturbed that the 'expert' view (which was obviously not grounded in research) may have led to people being labelled as 'emotionally distant' or 'in denial' with whatever consequences there are for those labels. It's a remarkable instance of resilience being medicalised: and it's another take on my recent argument that happiness and resilience can themselves be stigmatised.

AADT is well worth visiting for the chance to watch an elegaic video that tells the poignant story of Alex after the death of his wife of 57 years. As AADT say:

1 attachment | read more | add new comment | resilience | marriage | loss | grief | bereavement

What Is Happiness: Why Can It Seem Offensive?

Submitted by tonyplant on April 27, 2006 - 16:02.

Why can declaring yourself to be happy carry overtones of being a dilettante, being in denial, callous or having no real problems in life? Both history and scientific research argue that present happiness consists of three elements: the meaningful life; the engaged life; and the pleasant life. Rather like the equilibrium in the accompanying illustration.

There are studies of Bangladesh that report that eight out of ten people there claim to be happy. The reports emphasises the great happiness and satisfaction that people derive from their family lives, despite great privations. The report is not an argument for the happiness-promoting qualities of great poverty. The study suggests that previous aid efforts in Bangladesh may have failed because the aid-providers were solely interested in promoting economic development of the individual. Aid-providers saw the grinding poverty and a rigid family and social hierarchy that they perceived as stifling: they did not look at the need to keep the institutions that contribute to people's happiness. And so, many of the aid-initiatives there have failed in their intent.

I had many apprehensions about an invitation to run Laughter Yoga workshops with homeless people. When I mentioned this to friends, the level of repulsion stimulated a rich stream of comments. To give you a flavour of the comments, some people seemed to have heard an announcement that I intended to order myself a feast, lock some homeless people in a cage, turn the fire-hoses on them, and then chow down, my appetite heightened by enjoyment in the sight of human suffering. However, I decided that it was up to others to be offended, or not turn up, or however they chose to respond. The centre where I ran the workshops had a choice of activities that their service-users could select. Homeless people did turn up to the sessions. They did enjoy themselves. Some of them said that it was their first opportunity to laugh in years. Others remarked that they rarely got to do anything as a group activity and they had appreciated that the laughter works best in a group.

3 attachments | read more | 2 comments | resilience | marriage | happystance | happiness