Chronic Illness and Marriage Breakdown

Submitted by tonyplant on October 14, 2006 - 15:05.

I've just come across a discussion of the bleak finding that 75% of marriages break down where chronic illness is present.

Seventy-five percent of marriages where chronic illness is present do not last. That is an overwhelming number to me, and it might be misleading. People divorce for all sorts of reasons, and it doesn't necessarily mean there is a cause and effect relationship between chronic illness and divorce. It could be one of many mitigating factors, but looking at the statistic, it's not possible to weed that out. But certainly between lost income due to sickness, high medical bills, loss of identity, pain, frustration, etc, there are a lot of ways to look at how chronic illness could be implicated in these findings.

I wouldn't be too surprised if chronic illnesses contributes to financial and other social problems that, combined with problems that resemble depression, do make some people feel that their only option is separation. However, with all due respect to the wonderfully nochanlant Sinatra in the picture, I believe that it is rare to "Divorce Your Loved One With Dignity" even if it is etched in stone.

Time after time, the research indicates that marriage is good for people's health and resilience, yet it can be overwhelmed by so many outside forces. I have permission to share some details of a couple I came across when I was running a workshop. The man is separated from his wife (he hopes temporarily) because of their financial problems, brought about in part by the wife's condition. The wife does not yet have any support in place, so he pops in most days to make sure that she is OK and to do things for her because she has no family or friends who are close enough to carry out these chores etc. for her and she has significant mobility and upper-limb problems. The wife is still waiting to be paid any benefit (she was sent the wrong forms and this is taking a long time to rectify). Because the husband once answered the phone to a DWP enquirer when he was over at the house, the couple have been hauled in to be investigated for fraud because this action was deemed to be suspicious - the investigators don't care that there is a note on the wife's case that says to contact her in writing rather than by telephone because she has hearing-loss and doesn't answer the phone. Anyway, it seems that because the husband visits his estranged wife regularly and does chores for her that she can not do, then her claim is seen as invalid. Despite the fact that they are separated and don't live together. The husband broke down when he was telling me this and apparently broke down during the interview. He had even been asked questions about when they had last had sex. Carers really can have a raw deal on so many fronts. I more and more understand why Carers UK questions whether carers have any human rights.

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Family Relationships Key to Happiness for Poor in Bangladesh

Submitted by tonyplant on April 5, 2006 - 13:22.

I was in Tower Hamlets yesterday, talking with some of the community health and well-being team (not the actual title but a reasonable description). We talked about the role of healthy breathing in relieving some of the distressing symptoms of chronic illnesses. We also discussed the importance of happiness, resilience and having a Happystance.

One of the most vigorously discussed topics was that the western concept of happiness seems to promote individualism and independence above social interdependence and group obligations. A research group recently published a working paper that reported eight out of ten people in Bangladesh describe themselves as happy: they say that their relationships with their loved ones is the key to their happiness.

Whilst achievement of individual goals and personal wealth remain the most significant contributors to happiness in Europe and North America, in Bangladesh and other parts of South and East Asia it seems to depend more on the quality of social relationships.

This finding could provide a partial explanation for the lack of success of development interventions in recent years, many of which are based on assumptions about the initiatives likely to bring the greatest benefit to individuals.

The researchers summarised the key characteristics about good relationships that were identified by the Bangladeshi people whom they interviewed. They found that:

• Older mothers valued being treated affectionately by sons and daughter-in-laws as much as receiving material support
• Participation and consultation in decision-making was singled out as an important indicator of a happy marriage
• For younger women the most crucial relationship was with their husband
• A good husband provides for his wife’s and their family’s needs, and is also respectful and acknowledges her competence
• Younger women focused on the quality of their personal relationship with members of their husband’s family, primarily their husband’s mother, sisters, and sisters-in-law
• All the groups, apart from older women, made connections between happiness and a desire to be respected and/or influential beyond the immediate confines of family relationships
• Older men valued the ability to participate in and influence the affairs of the community

Dr. McGregor commented on the report's findings:

Some of the older people we spoke to strongly valued close and harmonious relationships with family members, to the extent that they even enabled them to ignore physical hardship. Even though at times they don’t get enough food to eat, these people were still happy because they have good relationships with the rest of their family.

Now, I think that this working paper is a fascinating social description of happiness in the context of extreme poverty. However, I do not see Happystance as part of the hedonic or individualist view of happiness. I have repeatedly argued that Happystance is about resilience and that there is a lot of fine research that shows that we have greater physical and emotional resilience when we have rich social networks - otherwise known as friends and family. In good relationships, resilience and support flow back and forth over time. There is not always an equitable exchange between any one pair of friends, but over a set of relationships, these exchanges do seem to even out.

read more | add new comment | social networks | resilience | relationships | happystance | happiness | cross-cultural | allostasis